Keep the Revolution Talk to a Minimum, Grandma

You know how the terrorists are calling in to not only kill us, but skew the results of the next American Idol? Well, it’s not going to happen on Bush’s watch. Luckily, the NSA has been able to keep us safe from that by doing wiretaps. You know how they do it? Well, they won’t tell you, so that makes us all very safe. Besides, I’m sure the Justice Department will give it a look over just to make sure it is not illegal, or defiling your rights like some drunk prom date. What’s that? Not even the Justice Department is allowed to know what they are doing. Oh I feel very safe indeed. I’m glad they doing whatever they are doing to make sure I am safe. I think I’ll call my family and tell them how safe we all are.

Well, guess what. Look at this. How safe do you feel now? Do you know who you called last month? Well, they do. They know who, when, for how long, and how many times. Let me also add that these stories are coming out from luddites that still think their computer is a word processor. If you think for a second ANYTHING you did on the web today didn’t get recorded, turn off the system now and throw away your machine. You are too much of a danger to yourself to own it. But don’t worry; it’s just those companies, right? It’s not like you are using those companies to connect to other people, right? Yeah, perhaps you should think this through.

If I hear one more person tell me that “as long as I am doing nothing wrong, I have nothing to fear,” I will tear my hair out. You know what? You pick your nose. You have phone sex with your lover. You like to paint happy messages on cockroaches. You like to pee on your couch because it makes you fee like you are in control. You like to staple bacon to yourself while you watch “The Golden Girls.” Not a bit of it is illegal, but do you really think you want other people to know that, publicly? You may be shunned at the PTA for letting your bacon chest fly, but at least you’ll be safe.

I’d like you to call your phone company and ask then for a list of every call your ex has made in the last year. Ask them what you need to get that information. Then ask if the NSA needed to do that. Thank you AT&T. I was thinking about canceling my home phone. You just made it a priority.