The Passion of the Cruise

This week was a rough one for our buddy Tommy. His new flick only made 47 million at the American box office. That poor man, I can feel his pain. It must be so terrible to have so much damn money that you could swim through it like Scrooge McDuck and yet feel empty when your movie flops like that. Sure, it made another 70 million across the world, but America is his Daddy. Daddy missed his soccer match. What can he do to get past this?

Perhaps his friends can break him out of this? He could seek solace in his religion to get him through this terrible time in his career. He could treat it like a midlife crisis and take a thrill-seeking ride on a fire truck, or a motorcycle, or a racecar, or a speed boat. How about if he goes and knocks up a girl half his age, that works for some people who are getting old and don’t want to admit it. Nah, that might just make him look creepy.

You won Tom; you have successfully gotten everyone on the planet to know who you are. There are kids in Ethiopia who could be asked in between groans of starvation if they know who you are and they would say, “Yeah, that guy’s a freak.” Not the freak all the girls lust for. Any young girl that lusted for you just got a big case of the willies when you had Katie Holmes impregnated. Now you’re just an old dude that had his way with a kid. That’s creepy; Michael Jackson creepy.

How much time do you have left before Scientology disavows all knowledge of you?